Here is a story that I wrote regarding my "first dive" with George Irvine (of WKPP fame). This is #4 in the series of 5 stories so far. George, if you recall, appeared first in story #3 where I "destroyed" Wakulla Springs.
George is also a friend of mine, and I decided to have some fun with him in this (as well as the previous) story. I also got to introduce Tom Mount as a character in this one for the first time. Tom has been around diving for so long, that the idea of him being some helium-crazed old geezer just cracked me up - so I decided to play with him a bit too. As I said before, everyone gets a bit of abuse... And everyone knows Rich Pyle, the famous Icthyologist from Hawaii who does some amazing things with his Cis Lunar Rebreather - well, Rich and I own different machines, and these are my stories, so he and his rig get whacked every chance I get... Love ya, Richie!
Hope you like this one as well.
Kevin Juergensen
After returning from Hawaii I was relaxing on my estate, with a jar of Beluga Caviar and some Lafite Rothchild '53 champagne, when the phone rang.
"Dude" the voice said.
"Yes, this is he" I replied. "This is George Irvine III, Dude, and I'm here in Florida with your friends Kato, McKenney and Pyle."
Well, I was quite shocked to say the least, since I hadn't heard from my friends since their playful romp with the Orca's. In fact, my last sight of them was when they were screaming with joy as the killer whales tossed them through the air.
"How are they, Mr. Irvine?" I asked, still surprised that this great cave explorer would bother to call a lowly tech-diver like myself.
"They're fine. After spending a few months in Intensive Care, they came to see me, and they wanna dive" he said.
"Well, they came to the right man, I'm sure, Mr. Irvine" I said with the utmost of pride in my friends choosing to dive with the great Mr. Irvine.
"Call me Trey" he said with a smooth smile in his voice. Well, I was simply flabbergasted at this. I was being allowed to call Mr. Irvine by his tech-diver buddy name. "Yes sir, Mr. Trey!" I said.
"And they want you to come dive with us" he said. This was almost too muchfor me to comprehend in one day. "Whata ya say, Chief?" he asked. Therewas only one answer to this question when summoned by the likes of my new friend, Trey. "Yes sir! Where should I meet you?"
"Scotland" was his answer. "We've got us a little dive scheduled for the North Sea, and we want you there, reaaal baaad..."
I immediately hung up the phone, and had my chauffeur rush me to the airport for a flight to Scotland. I decided to bring Sapphire, my newest flame with me so she could meet my friends. Since I found her walking back and forth in front of the Convention Center, wearing only some incredibly high heels, and a tight pink spandex dress with holes cut all the way up each side, she had been my constant companion for the last day and a half. Her "date" hadn't shown up, she said. Tough luck for him, I say. It's not every day that I get to meet a college co-ed like this...
Upon arrival in Scotland, I was once again reunited with my friends Kato & McKenney. Kato was wearing some torn clothing, and seemed to walk with a limp. When I inquired about this, he showed me his wooden leg. Seems like the Orca's had a bit too much fun with him. My pal McKenney looked just fine except that he was missing some fingers, and had a nasty scar running the entire length of his face.
After introducing them to Sapphire, they took me to baggage claim. Sapphire needed to use the restroom after our long trip, so both Kato and McKenney volunteered to show her the way. The restrooms in the Scottish airport must be far away, since it took them two hours to get back. McKenney had some lipstick stains on his face, no doubt from trying to cover the terrible scar. Sapphire looked particularly content, and I couldn't help but notice that Kato had carved her initials in his wooden leg. I was so happy that my friends had accepted Sapphire, that I forgot to remind McKenney that he was two months late on his rent check...
Just then, "Trey" walked up to me. I almost fell down at the sight of him. He was wearing a full beard, which looked fake, and had dyed his hair purple and cut it into a Mohawk with spikes. He kept looking around furtively, and I noticed that the baggage claim area was full of men in suits and dark glasses. A couple of them wore jackets that said "EPA" on the back.
"Is that YOU, Mr. Irvine??" I exclaimed. "Keep your fuckin' punk-ass voice down, ass-munch!" he said with a low snarl in his voice, "And call me, Trey..." Well, I immediately sized up the situation. Mr. Irvine has become so popular that he must disguise himself as a punk rocker in order to go freely about in public, and his cover was as precise as his diving techniques. He had even adopted the abusive language exhibited by the punk-rocking elite... I knew at once to go along with the ruse...
"O.K, Trey" I said. "I brought you some barbecued sushi" I said, as I handed the Tupperware container over to him. He took one look at it, made a disgusted face, and threw it into the nearest trashcan. I guess he stopped eating at Lucy's since the EPA had to shut it down... "How's WKPP?" I asked him. "Still under 5 feet of crude oil, you scumbag piece of shit!" he snarled. He was REALLY good at this character acting. I secretly wondered if Mr. Irvine was planning an acting career. He was better than Burt Reynolds, as far as I was concerned.
The five of us then hustled out of the airport, past all the men from the government.
We boarded a beat-up van, and paused briefly for Kato to climb in the back, after retrieving his wooden leg, which somehow had fallen off, and rolled into the gutter. The sight of him swearing and hopping on one leg made my old friend McKenney laugh, which I though was rather cruel...
I then noticed that we had a driver whom I vaguely recognized. He was an older man, with a rather wizzen appearance. When I looked over to Mr. Irvine, he noticed the quizzical look on my face and said "Tom Mount, meet the Dude"...
"Well", I thought, "imagine that. I am finally meeting one of the legends of the diving world". Mr. Mount simply grunted his hello, so I decided to break the ice somewhat. "I've read all your books, Mr. Mount" I said. "I especially enjoyed your book on deep-air diving, and the chapter entitled "Who Cares How Deep You Go?"."
To this, Mr. Mount turned and smiled. He was missing some teeth, and looked positively like a pirate from some Douglas Fairbanks movie...
"Yup, yes sir-ee! Wrote me a pile 'o books! Heh, heh... Yup. Deep air, yup... Gotta go deep. Yup... heh, heh... Deep, deep deep...Y'know, the vacuum bag is mighty hot today, eh youngster?" he babbled on.
Not knowing what to make of this, I turned to Mr. Irvine... "Mount here, is going to certify you on deep air, dude" Mr. Irvine said. "Wow" I said, "I thought you didn't like deep air, Mr... I mean, Trey"...
"Yeah, well, that was until ol' Kato here convinced me otherwise, eh Kato??" he said, while motioning to Kato in the back of the van.
"Fuckin' Hawaiian piece of shit! Son of a Bitch!! God damned motherfucker!!!" Kato yelled from the back of the van, as he swung his wooden leg through the air, smashing it on the floor of the van over and over.
"Hey, LIMP-DICK!" Mr. Irvine yelled. Kato stopped his senseless rampage, and looked up at Mr. Irvine in a semi-daze, while McKenney continued to chuckle from the front seat. "Cut that shit out!" Mr. Irvine continued, "I told 'ya, I'd buy 'ya a new fuckin' leg next week. Gavin'll make one for ya, so cool it!" Kato seemed to settle down at this. McKenney continued to chuckle, while Mr. Mount kept busy by driving and mumbling to himself.
"Where's Mr. Pyle?" I asked Mr. Irvine. "He's waiting for you down at the dock" was his reply.
"Gonna rip your heart out, and EAT IT, you lousy motherfucker!!!" Kato screamed from the back seat. "SHUT THE FUCK UP, NEEDLE-DICK!!" Mr. Irvine yelled at him. I guess Kato really was upset at the craftsmanship of his wooden leg, but I decided not to inform him that wooden legs didn't have hearts to rip out...
When we got to the dock, we were greeted by Mr. Pyle, who seemed to be attached to a portable respirator. "Greetings, Mr. Pyle!" I said with an outstretched hand. "Ready to do some diving?" I quipped.
"We're.....gonna.....fix....you....but....good...dude" Mr. Pyle said in-between breaths from his respirator. Mr. Irvine shot Mr. Pyle a nasty look, no doubt due to his concern that Mr. Pyle not stress himself trying to speak.
I was going to ask Mr. Pyle why he was on a respirator, but was interrupted by a crashing sound coming from the van. Seems like Kato's wooden leg got stuck in the van step, and he came down hard with all the gear on top of him.
"Motherfucker!! Shit, shit, SHIT!!" he screamed. My old friend McKenney couldn't contain himself. He began to laugh hysterically at this, which angered Kato even further. Kato picked up his wooden leg, and smashed McKenney's kneecap with it. McKenney shrieked with pain and rage, and grabbed Kato by his pony-tail.
They began to swing at each other, getting themselves tangled in mounds of weight belts, until Kato connected with a strong right cross. My friend McKenney recoiled from the blow, and still holding on to Kato's bandana and pony-tail, fell backwards off the dock, dragging Kato with him. They both hit the water at about the same time, and with the added weight of the belts, sank like stones beneath the surface.
Mr. Irvine just stood there watching the spectacle impassively. "Shouldn't we DO something, Trey?" I asked. "Naw... They're both tech-divers, dude. They can breath hold for hours at a time." was his reply.
"Lets.....get.....this.....over.....with...." Mr. Pyle said from the other side of the dock. Sapphire evidently felt sorry for Mr. Pyle's condition, and was beginning to give him a massage to make him feel better. "Dude, come over here" said Mr. Irvine.
The sight that awaited me on the other side of the dock looked quite impressive. There was a single tank that stood about 6 feet high. coming out of the top, was a single short hose, with a Voit second stage regulator connected to it. Strapped to the back of the tank was a large rocket, with fins, and an electrical cable extending to a box nearby. Mr. Mount was busily pushing buttons on the box and cackling to himself. He was doing some kind of little dance, and saying over and over "deep, deep, deep... gotta go deep, heh, heh..."
"Dude, this is the latest in dive technology" Mr. Irvine said.
"What is the biggest problem with diving today?" he asked suddenly.
"I don't know, Trey, what is it?" I replied.
"Gettin' to the damned dive site, that's what" he stated firmly.
"This puppy will allow you to step up, pet the pony, and fry its ass at the same time" he said with a chuckle. "And you're gonna be the first victim- I mean Pilot" he said.
Well, I was completely astonished at this. The honor of being the first tech diver to try out this new technology pioneered by the likes of Mr. Irvine and Mr. Mount was almost too much to bear.
"You're gonna need these first, dude" Mr. Irvine said. He helped me into a TransPac BC with quadruple bladders, all held down by huge bungee cords. He then strapped on 4 square lights, 2 Genesis 120 tanks, 5 Bridge II computers, 2 Cochran computers as backup, 3 sets of Force Fins, and 5 Dive Alerts hooked up in sequence.
"Hook........that......fucker......up......and......lets.....do.....it...." Mr. Pyle said, now laying on the dock in just his underwear as Sapphire continued her massage therapy.
"All right, dude. The time has come..." Mr. Irvine said with a smile. "Time to send you on your way, Chief" he added.
Well, I was a bit apprehensive to say the least, but with a man like Mr. Irvine in charge of my equipment, I knew I was in good hands. I walked over to the tank/rocket assembly, where Mr. Mount began strapping me in. He had spit foaming at the corners of his mouth, as he mumbled "gonna go deep today, gotta go deep... deep, deep, deep..."
"We had Bill Hamilton cut you some custom tables, dude." Mr. Irvine informed me. "You'll go to 330 on air for 1 hour, then deco for 5 minutes at 10 feet."
"Is that enough?" I asked. "That'll about do it, Chief. No deco weenies in my group." Gosh! I was now included in Mr. Irvine's "group". Who was I to argue with that??
I was trying to adjust myself in this rather cumbersome arrangement, when Mr. Irvine smiled and said to me "See you in Hell, Chief" - obviously the secret motto of the WKPP. I was truly now one of the "boys" - I almost bust my anchor-chain restraints with pride at this honor...
He and Mr. Pyle then gave me the TechDiver "are you o.k" sign (a raised middle finger). Mr. Pyle tossed me a Herring to take with me for good luck.
It was then that something seemed to go wrong...
Mr. Irvine started to chuckle, and looked over at Mr. Mount, who was now singing the theme from "Gilligan's Island." Mr. Mount was beginning to press buttons on the console. "Gonna go deep, heh, heh... deep, deep for the dooood!" he sang as he pushed a big red button.
Mr. Irvine's eyes seemed to bug out of his head as he screamed "NOOOOO! MOUNT, YOU IDIOT, NOT YET!!!"
Suddenly, I felt an explosion at my feet, and a rush of acceleration as the rocket was ignited. Upon lift-off, it immediately began to rotate, and the last sight I saw of the dock was of my friends...
Mr. Mount was standing next to the console,
completely on fire, still singing his song. Mr. Irvine was
running away, with a long trail of flame coming from his
punk-rocker mohawk hair and jacket. Mr. Pyle was still lying down
in his underwear, but was now completely black and smoking, a
strange smile etched on his charred face. Sapphire seemed to be
blown
clear of the dock, and landed in a merchant marine ship that was
just setting sail.
Meanwhile, I was ascending to an incredible altitude. I quickly grabbed the Voit regulator, and put it in my mouth. The rocket seemed to have changed directions, and I was now descending toward the water in mid-channel.
I broke the surface at about 400 mph. and began to immediately descend. I barely had a chance to look at my exploding Bridge II computers when I hit the soft sediment at about 120 knots. The top of the tank burrowed deep into the soil at 300 fsw. I must have hit about 350 fsw flying through all the muck, when suddenly, I struck something that made me carom off of it in an upward direction.
Just as fast as I went down, I was now going up. As I passed the 200 foot mark, the bungee cords on my bondage wings broke, and the wings inflated to their complete 15 foot span.
As I broke the surface of the water, the rocket seemed to run out of fuel, and I crashed back to the surface, kept afloat by the quadruple wings that were now full of air.
"What an exhilarating ride!" I thought. "I can't wait to tell Mr. Irvine about THIS!" I said aloud.
Just then, a trawler owned by a fishing company that I had acquired with some of the proceeds from my sale of McKenney's library steamed up. My faithful employees pulled me from the water, and upon removal of my gear, I noticed some odd looking shiny objects lodged between the rows of bondage wings that were attached to my b.c.
Upon further analysis, it turns out that I had struck the long lost wreck of the King Charles in the harbor, and some of the crown jewels had become lodged in my rig. I immediately claimed salvage rights, and have since recovered about $12 Billion in treasure.
I was also invited to dine with the Queen, her family and all 5 of the original Spice Girls. During dinner, I recounted my story to Her Majesty, while Fergie and Posh Spice played footsie with me under the table. One of the Queen's guards was quite interested that Mr. Irvine was with me in Scotland, and excused himself, saying that he had to contact the "Yard" about this. I guess he wanted to contact the Naval Yard to let all the divers there know that one of the finest in the business was visiting their great country.
As I retired for the evening, with Fergie and the Girls all sneaking into my room, I reflected on the many wonderful diving experiences I have had with my fine friends. I hope to see them all one day soon, so that we might share another great dive adventure, brother tech-divers, one and all...
Kevin
HeyyDude
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